I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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