Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
