Got a toothbrush?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Randomize
