Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
