I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
