so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
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He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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