mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
