He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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