i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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