I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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