What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
this just has baby written all over it
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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