His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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