pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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