Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
