The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
