i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I would ride that face into the sunset
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
