just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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