When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
