Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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