the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
