go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
