3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
