She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
