when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
