I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
