I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
