so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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