what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
