My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
birth control should be required to get into college
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
