dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
