I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
