giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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