I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
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Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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