what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My dick has a subreddit
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
