i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
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The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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