I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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