Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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