I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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