I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize