i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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