We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
