i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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