I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
