I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
