i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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