We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just found puke in my bra..
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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