if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
