You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
