One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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