Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
