That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
