I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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