I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
