I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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