If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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