im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
it hurts more in the daytime
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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