why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
