is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
