Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
