i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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