drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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