I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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